TAD Blog - The Actual Dance - a one-man play and story that explores what love really means

Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog: Day 31 Be a Producer

10/31/2018

Day 31: Become A Producer and Change Lives:

Our mission is that everyone who needs to see The Actual Dance has an opportunity to do so. It takes resources however. We rely on foundation support, tickets sales and donor support. You can go to our web site and see a list of “producers.” People who have donated $100 or more to bring the power of The Actual Dance to all those who need to see it.

Here is the power of The Actual Dance on the lives of those who have seen the show:

“My wife and I saw the show last Thursday evening and we just want you to know that it has changed how we will relate to each other forever. Thank You.” (Indianapolis 2014)
"I believe hospitals should require the family of every cancer patient who has had surgery to watch a video of this play before the patient is discharged.” (Narrowsburg, NY 2017)
"The most profound experience in my life." (Houston, Tx 2018)

Please consider adding your name as a Producer by making a generous contribution today. You can see the list of current Producers and Organizational Supporters here.

Stat of the Day: The Actual Dance has been performed approximately 200 times for about 4000 audience members.

Task of the Day: Become a producer. DONATE NOW. All donations support bringing The Actual Dance. to all those who need to see it.

Resource of the Day: Need some inspiration for the year ahead? Thank you to all the producers. You can see them acknowledged here.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog: Day 30 Chuk Obasi

10/30/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 30: A Second Show

The Actual Dance is a play. It is a dramatic presentation about the husband’s journey as his wife is expected to lose the battle. So far I’ve used the show and story to raise awareness of the unique view point of what I call the love-partner.

The mission of The Actual Dance the production is to reach “everyone who needs to see the show.”   Who are they? Anyone who faces the loss of the loved one and whose heart is about to break in a way that seems to them to be unbearable.

One way to achieve this goal is to adapt the show itself to broaden the appeal through different acting, directing and appeal. We did that this past year with investing in the The Actual Dance with Chuk Obasi version of this show.
Day 30:  The Actual Dance with Chuk Obasi, directed and Choreographed by Kimani Fowlin.

We are delighted that Chuk as continued to perform this show. The result is rather than an autobiographical presentation, it is a play by an actor portraying the story and the characters in the script.
We have also adapted the script. Even though the story told is universal, it has been told from the perspective of a Jewish man. We made the editorial judgement to adapt the script to tell it as if the character were from a Christian faith. It is not only Chuk’s faith, it is a method to offer audiences to feel more authentically the journey.

We have always imagined the story as itself “a dance.” And Chuk’s performance brings more movement into the performance with amazing choreography of Kimani Fowlin.

I am often asked what it is like for me to see another person portraying the character “Sam Simon” going through the emotional and life altering story of almost losing Susan. The answer is that it has been liberating in some ways. The “Aha” moment I that when I perform I am bound by own experience. The beauty of Chuk and Kimani’s work is that were free to give unbounded meaning and structure to the story based on the words of the story. Their work is not better than mine. Rather it is different.

Audiences I am sure find their own meaning in each show. It is my hope that many of those who read this blog will be able to see both shows.

Stat of the Day: The journey through loss of a loved one – the “love-partner” – is becoming more and more common as the Baby Boomer Generation ages. A baby boomer dies every 20 seconds in America. You can see it here.

Task of the Day: Like The Actual Dance on Facebook here. And The Actual Dance with Chuk Obasi here.

Resource of the Day: Please take a minute and enjoy a preview of Chuk’s performance here

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Breast Cancer Awareness Blog Day 29: When does it End?

10/29/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 29: When does it end?

The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself.

Day 29: When it Ends: “You have to understand the Dance does not end!” she said. “My husband died 9 months ago, and the Orchestra is still playing.” (Not from the play)

Her eyes filled with tears after the performance, the audience member in the summer of 1973 made the statement, it wasn’t a question. She spoke through her tears about her husband who had died from cancer 9 months earlier, and that she was still “dancing” with him in the ballroom she insisted.

Not all cancer stories have the happy ending Susan and I have enjoyed. It has been 18 years and even though I still anticipate the possibility of the “orchestra playing,” I do not and cannot know what it would have been like to lose Susan.

It is important to acknowledge that people will lose the one they love and the journey they face is different. I talk about fearing what it would be like in the play. “I walk around the house these mornings wondering what it will be like ‘being alone’” is the line in the play.

What I have learned from countless discussions including with Rabbi Nancy Wiener of Hebrew Union College is that people who are grieving are looking for a time when they might be whole again. It takes time and it often requires help. What is true in my experience is that one is never “healed”, the deep chasm of the loss love never fills. Rather we just learn how to be whole in the world again, just differently.

Stat of the Day: The National Cancer Institute projects 609,640 people will die from cancer in the US in 2018.

Task of the Day: Create and/or go through the checklist of things that are necessary if death is a possibility on the horizon for you or someone you know. Medical directive up to-date, Power of Attorney (They often expire after 10 years), and you will. Check it out. Also, The National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship has a great resource called “Dying Well – The Final Stage of Survivorship”

Resource of the Day: There are resources when you lose the person you love most in the world. Here and here are web sites with good resources.

The Actual Dance: Performances Donate

Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog Day 28: Listening

10/28/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 28: Listening

The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself

Day 29: Listening.  “Even today, October 29, 2018, I listen. I listen with my heart where my love sits for the ever so slight change in the balance of the universe that would indicate that a new and different orchestra has been called to form. Is that them playing?”

Susan is alive and well today. I was ready. As I related yesterday, after my meeting with the psychiatrist I felt prepared to be with Susan as she took her last breath. The drama was to learn what exactly the new and unexpected lump on Susan’s post double-mastectomy chest meant.

"If, as everyone expected, it was cancer. Susan's prognosis was grim."  It turned out to be a water cyst, a plain old water cyst.

This story -- from diagnosis through chemotherapy -- occurred between April 2000 and May 2001. During the time since then her prognosis varied with differing and often inconsistent test results. Following the active treatment process, Susan was checked every three months for the first year, then every six months for five years and then annually for about another five years. About 7 years ago her oncologist released her as a patient.

I have learned that Susan and I experience her survival differently. Even today, 18-plus years later, I wonder if whatever pain or ache she may have is a sign that it is back. The Actual Dance ends with that emotion of an always wondering, listening for the possibility that it has come back. It is expressed by “Is that them playing?" repeated over and over as the play ends.

Susan on the other hand always tries to assure me that she does not have cancer. Our different approach is best expressed in this video called “Our Story.” Check it out.

Stat of the Day: As of January 2018, there are more than 3.1 million women with a history of breast cancer in the U.S. This includes women currently being treated and women who have finished treatment.

Task of the Day: Write your own story. If you are a caregiver or a person who has had cancer, write down your own story. Then seek out a local theater or story telling group and read it out loud, and then maybe you too can become a playwright.

Resource of the Day: Voices of Survivors. What do others say about their survivorship? Here are some web resources: Voices of Survivors , Becky Olson, Celebrity Survivors And a website all about cancer survivorship.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog Day 27: Love

10/27/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 27: Love

The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself

Day 27: Love “I now understand that The Actual Dance will be the ultimate consummation of our love.” The Actual Dance

Yesterday I talked about how during Susan’s breast cancer treatments, double mastectomy and difficult recovery, that I was transformed and began to understand “what love really means.” The idea of Susan and I having grown into a single soul – “each and equal half of the other.”

It took however a visit to the psychiatrist I had seen off-and-on for the past 20 years to wake me up to the realization that there is a privilege –a gift – embedded in having the opportunity to hold the one you love most in the world as they take their last breath.

It seemed and seems unimaginable to hold and hug and breathe with the person you love as they take their last breath.   My mind saw – experienced – that moment as an orchestra playing ‘our song’ as we are dancing the dance we select – a waltz – and when the moment comes, Susan evaporates into a wisp of cloud into God’s arms.

When the psychiatrist called this a metaphor and said it was beautiful I was transformed. It was like an on-switch.   All sudden I understood that it was the ultimate gift or privilege to do this:   The line – the climax of the show – is this:

"Now I understand that The Actual Dance will be the ultimate consummation of our love.”

On this day, with the tragedy at a Synagogue in Pennsylvania, I am also reminded that not everyone is so privileged. There are tragic losses that happen, and we learn by a telephone call or the appearance at our door of a chaplain. A blog for tomorrow. Today, I reflect on the realization I was prepared to do what I considered unimaginable and understood it as the ultimate consummation of our love.

Stat of the Day: A study in England found there is a 30 per cent increase in mortality among men grieving for the loss of a wife, while there was such increase among women who were grieving for the loss of a husband.

Task of the Day.   Watch the move Ghost. Today and again tomorrow. Over and over and over. I have done so more times than I can count.

Resource of the Day: There are many resources about how to be with someone as they take their last breath. Here and here

The Actual Dance: Performances Donate

Breast Cancer Awareness Month Day 26: The Arc of Love 2

10/26/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 26: The Arc of Love 2

The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself

Day 26: The Arc of Love 2: “I now understand that I am the other half of that which makes us—Susan and me complete. And when else in our lives is it more important to be whole than when OUR body is badly broken.” The Actual Dance

Two days ago I talked about “the arc of love.” I have already said that “I don’t think two twenty-year-old kids understood what love really means.”   It took this journey with Susan through her brush with death that taught me what love “really” means. It happened though in steps.

It took for me the stark recognition that I was going to have to hold this woman I met at 19 years old, married, raised two children with and lived with for 35 years – I was going to have to hold her in my arms as she took her last breath.

I came to understand several things. One, we had become something different than when we first met and “fell in love.” From two souls and two people, we had become one in heart and soul. I now experienced Susan as part of me. I think most often about our kisses and in the process absorbing her breath into me and me into her. We are spiritually one. “I am the other half of that which makes us complete.” Is the line in the play.

When it became apparent I was going to have to find a way to hold Susan as she took her last breath I sought help from our Rabbi – I wrote about that a few days ago. I asked, I pleaded: “How, how, how can I dance the last, The Actual Dance” with Susan – the woman who has become the other half of my whole?

The Rabbi didn’t hear me that night. She was in a rush to get out and instead of trying to answer that question – though I wonder if anyone could really; she tried to empathize with me. "You feel sad she won't be able to see the grandkids grow up?" It didn’t work. I need something more. So, I made an appointment a psychiatrist who I had been seeing off and on for the past twenty years.   That’s for tomorrow.

Stat of the Day: Survival rate for female breast cancer after 5 years is only 88.6% according to the CDC latest data. And even less –79.6% -- for African American women!

Task of the Day.   Whatever day it is—take some time to go back over the mementos of your relationship. I spent time looking through the scrap books, the wedding photos and other memories with Susan that year. Not even with her. But for me.   I reminded me of the good times, and often the reasons I loved her.

Resource of the Day: Check out this explanation of “anticipatory grief”   The journey with a loved one whom you expect to lose is often described this way – and it is different than the grief you have after someone is gone.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog: Day 25

10/25/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 25: Happy Birthday Susan

The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself

Day 25 Susan’s Birthday. “Susan. Susan Meryl Kalmans. That is her maiden name. I can remember the first time I ever even noticed Susan. … We were just 16 years old.”

I have known Susan 57 years! As it turns out Susan was 54 years old at the start of her first year of treatment. The Actual Dance is about events that happened during through her 55th year. It was a year when the future was uncertain. Indeed, I did not believe she would survive. Susan’s Mother had died at the age of 56 from metastasized breast cancer; and my mother had died at the age of 66 from metastasized breast cancer. “I know how this story is going to end, there is not going to be a good out come here.” is another line from the show. The spoiler alert, Susan is alive and well.

Susan today, October 25th, 2018, on her 73rd birthday, will get up and go to the gym. She exercises six days a week

We had our Golden Anniversary in 2016. Check out the poem and the song and like our Golden Anniversary page on Facebook.

Much of my life is now spent telling the story of my life during that year. And on her birthday – this 73rd year, I am so thankful that she is still alive and well and we are living out a full life.

Stat of the Day: Susan was born on 25th October 1945. Her age is seventy-three years. About 298000 other babies were born on that day, what are the odds of us finding each other!

Task of the Day: Make a donation to the American Cancer Society Making Strides program here. Or just sign up for one of their walks!

Resource of the Day: Everything you ever wanted to know about your birthday: here and here and here.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog Day 24: The Arc of Love

10/24/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 24: The Arc of Love

The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself

Day 24: The Arc of Love: “It did not take us very long to fall in love, though I wonder if two 20 years olds really understood what love means.” The Actual Dance

What does love really mean? I am not sure that I would ever have gone through this exercise of figuring that out without the existential moment with Susan in 2000. I would never have wanted Susan to have gone through breast cancer. Yet, the experience not only brought me to find what I think is my own purpose in life, but also a deeper understanding of “what love really means.”

My understanding now is that there is an arc of love in relationships. Love between two people evolves over time. When I first ever noticed Susan, when had not even met yet, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. “I kept noticing her in that 16-year-old boy sort of way.”

And even though it wasn’t until three years later that we actually met, became infatuated and rushed into marriage. Yes, we thought we loved each other. And I think we did, in that 20-year-old sort of way. What did we know?

We have been lucky.   Despite the many times over the arc of our relationship when things go “tough” we kept going. I’m sure we both second guessed ourselves. Still we had two children, they grew up and we each pursued unique careers. And we came home every night.

During that period we also began to relate to each other differently. We had deepened mutual experiences. More importantly we began to notice something else. There is a connection that can exist between two people that is spiritual.   It is a connection that goes beyond modern understanding.   It took the breast cancer experience to understand this fully, which is going to be the subject of a differently blog. Love can change over time, deepen and become something more essential and meaningful that we can imagine.

Stat of the Day: Here are some really goofy statistics related to falling in love.  I like particularly the clam that it takes only 4 minutes for two people decide that they like each other. These are stats about the start of love.

Task of the Day.   Read a love story! One of the statistics suggest that witnessing love has a calming an positive effect on people   Maybe go back and read or watch the original “Love Story.”

Resource of the Day: If you think you need hep during the journey find a therapist. Here is an interesting therapy service in the state of Washington that offers some specific services for couples with breast cancer in the relationship. Check it out and then if needed look for someone near you that might offer similar focus.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog: Day 23 -- B'Shert

10/23/2018

October Breast Cancer Awareness Month Daily Blog Day 23 – B’Shert

The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself
first time I ever noticed Susan. We hadn’t met yet.” The Actual Dance

Day 23:  B’Shert. Meant-to-be. “I remember the first time I ever noticed Susan. We hadn’t met yet.” The Actual Dance

A good time to take a break from the unfolding story of me getting ready to be with Susan in what seems like a story without a good ending to talk a little bit about “us”.

In the play I tell the story of how Susan and I noticed each other at a B’nai B’rith Youth Organization convention in 1961 in Texarkana, Texas. We just made googly-eyes at each other but never talked. Then three years later Susan ends-up going to College in El Paso at Texas Western College and I am still living at home and I am going to Texas Western.

It turns out that Susan starts dating a guy named Steve and I a girl named Jane. On a “double date” over to Juarez one night probably in 1964 we end up switching --- Jane is in the front seat with Steve and Susan in the back seat with me on the way back from Juarez.

In the play I say: “It didn’t take us very long to fall in love” and then “In 1965 we decided to we wanted to get married.”

As I sit back and reflect on what is now a journey of 54 years since that first date, I believe that some things are in fact destined to happen. Some force outside of what we as humans can fully understand can bring people together for a purpose. The Yiddish phrase is “B’shert”  Meant to be.

I do think that Susan and Sam were meant-to-be and that the unfolding story of our lives is a sacred journey.

Stat of the Day: There are about 6,200 wedding a day in the United States with the average age of the bride being 25.3 years and the average age of the groom being 26.9 years. Source

Task of the Day: Say “I love you” to your spouse.   “I love you simply awakens the US in you and me.”

Resource of the Day: Okay—I have given this link before – it isn’t quite what I’m talking about and yet it will make your day. What Love Really Means by JJ Heller.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month Blog Day 22 -- Going Dark

10/22/2018

THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BLOG DAY 22: Going Dark
The Actual Dance is a play that presents the events of the year 2000 from the point of view of the spouse of the woman going through breast cancer. From diagnosis to her life as a survivor, Susan Simon, my wife has endured. An unlikely survivor. The Actual Dance is the story of that experience from my perch. The husband. This the 4th year of my October daily blogs, my focus is a bit more on myself

Day 22: Going Dark.   “Dr. Blonder comes back to tell us that he has found a lump on Susan’s chest at the incision point [of the mastectomy] and it needs to be looked at right away!

During our first post mastectomy visit to the oncologist Susan picked, I made a snap decision to be in the exam room as the oncologist performed his first post-surgery exam. It was very “weird” watching as another man put his hands on Susan’s bare chest. I had not anticipated my reaction. Of course there was just this set of long, stitched incisions.

In the middle of his examination: “All of a sudden he stops. He does a military style about-face and walks to the opposite wall and picks up the phone.”

He has called Susan’s surgeon to make an appointment for her (us) for the next day to check out a lump he just felt on Susan’s chest at the lip of incision tissue from the double mastectomy. There is NOT supposed to be a lump on Susan’s chest post-surgery. Hell, there wasn’t even a lump pre-surgery, just cancerous breast tissue. Dr. Blonder is clearly not happy. Nobody, not the oncologist and not the surgeon and not me, is happy.

It is as if the lights of the future have just been flipped off. I can’t see the future anymore. I look out in my mind’s eye and everything is black. I understand in a different way the aphorisms of “putting one foot in front of the other” or “one day at a time,” it is because I can’t see beyond each step any more or each day. It is just all dark.

Stat of the Day: The National Cancer Institute spends more on Breast Cancer Research than on any other type of cancer. In 2017 it spent $545,149,951 on breast cancer research compared to $250 million on leukemia research, the next highest category.

Task of the Day: Finding peace in the moment of stress is not easy. “Take a Breath” is the advice given often. This task is about mindfulness in the moment. Developing techniques to deal with the “dark moments.” The task is brought to mind by an article in the Washington Post about the growing popularity of mindfulness as a strategy during the morning commute. And isn’t the breast cancer journey also like a commute – getting from here to there.

Resource of the Day: Carol Fox Prescott has taught me for nearly 15 years as an acting coach, teacher and mentor. Her method is known as “On the Breath.” I am lucky to have found fellow student Gabrielle Maisels to be my dramaturg in creating The Actual Dance and who also now teaches the technique. I recommend the process not just as a tool for acting, but a tool for living.   There is no better gift than breath and unwrapping that gift is what learning how to breathe through the most important times of our lives is about.
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