The email popped up on my laptop as I was traveling on the train from New York to Washington.  It did not actually say that in the SUBJECT line – but I knew.   It simply said: “Nancy”  

I knew what it meant.   It was from Bob, someone I met and worked with in 1970 as part of the small group of lawyers who started Ralph Nader’s advocacy groups.  Nancy was his wife.   She died 5 days ago and he wanted those of us who knew her from back then, as well as more recently to know.  The funeral is tonight.  Susan and I will go.  

The last time we saw Bob and Nancy was a little over two years ago at a dinner event that brought together many us from that early Ralph Nader era.  We hadn’t seen each other for a while and during that evening Susan and Nancy had a chance to talk about something they discovered they had in common: Breast Cancer.  They were both talking about their survivorship and how well they were doing.  Nancy died from her breast cancer on September 7th.   

It took my breath away.   A shudder of sadness washed over my body as I fought back tears.   The central question I faced in 2000 as Susan’s prognosis of her breast cancer became grave was:  “How am I going to be with Susan for the last, The Actual dance?”   Now my friend Bob,  a person whom I experienced as one of the kindest, sweetest and calm people I have ever met, and clearly smart as a whip, had experienced that moment.   

The news saddened me deeply and opened up that nascent wound in my heart and mind about “how am I going to do this?”   No Susan's breast cancer has not come back -- yet. 

Those familiar with the play know that the metaphor is of a magnificent dance in a ballroom placed in a different world and time dimension as one transitions out of this world.  Here are the last words in the play:
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      “Even today, seventeen years later, I listen, I listen with my heart where my love sits for the ever so slight change in the universe that will tell me that a new orchestra has been called to form.  . . .  Is that them playing?”
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Last week the orchestra was busy over at Bob’s house.  Playing whatever song he and Nancy wanted to hear.  And I know they held each other in their arms – each an equal half of the other – until at some point Nancy’s half left.  And Bob lost “the other half of his whole.”  
  
I look at my email with trepidation sometimes.  At our age – 72 – SAD NEWS​ is too often the words which follow: “Subject” in the header.  We all know what is going to follow.  Who in our life journey is now gone?  How can we help and support their loved ones who must now navigate a different world. What memories might we share? 

So here is the Nancy memory:
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Thursday, November 26, 1970.  What were the families of 13 young men and women who were being paid $4,000 for a year of work by Ralph Nader going to do for Thanksgiving?   We were invited to Bob & Nancy’s apartment and we all pitched in to buy a big turkey.   There is a picture somewhere of our then 5 month old son, Marcus, posing in front of a baked turkey almost the same size as Marcus alongside smiling Bob and Nancy.
                     

There are people we meet along our way who end up having a major impact on our life story. We sometimes don’t realize who they are until they are gone.

Two such people left recently and perhaps their last gift to me is this understanding of how important their gifts have been to my and our – our family – lives.

Gary Austin and Jim Scott are both such people. Gary died April 1st and Jim died April 13th. 

Gary Austin was an improviser, musicians, actor and most importantly for me a teacher.   I wrote about Gary earlier this month.  Our relationship started about 15 years ago through the wonderful theatrical non-profit Artistic New Directions in New York, now called AND Theater Company.  Through the years I was in classes, workshops and private lessons with Gary.  In classes sometimes he would yell at me, push me and challenge me.  I can remember our first private lesson when he was “candid” with me – “You are not going to be a great actor or Improv person.  You do okay, just that you are not a professional.”   I don’t know if he wanted to scare me away or push me to be more committed to the practice.

So I persisted.  Of course he was not my only coach or teacher.  Yet, in my rear view mirror there is no question that without Gary being there, I wouldn’t be here – a vagabond actor taking his trade to small and large theaters around the US, finding meaning in my own life through the story I am telling which was found through Gary’s techniques and his commitment to me.  

There is no reason for Gary to have worked so closely with me.  Not being modest, just realistic.  He had better things to do with his life and work; and yet he was generous, candid and a spark to my own creative process that led me to find my real purpose in life.  The creation of The Actual Dance and performing it for everyone who needs to see it.  In December of 2015 Gary and his wife Wenndy saw the full show performed in Los Angeles.  Afterwards, he came up to me in full-tear, hugged me and told me he loved me.   Without Gary I would be not be me here today doing what I am doing being what I am being. 
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Gary was an angel in my life.

Jim Scott was a community activist and politician and most important for me a collaborator and supporter of my work and political mentor to my son who now serves in the Virginia House of Delegates in the seat long held by Jim Scott.  Jim had a deep and abiding belief in collaboration and community.  He was a champion of the Coop movement in the community.

My recollection of our first project was him encouraging me and a coalition to seek conditions on the first proposed cable franchise in Fairfax County.  We won the grant of a “cooperatively owned cable channel.”  And for years with Jim and others worked to make it a success.  Of course, the lesson was also more about how to get things done on the local level.

Later Jim, who had been a member of the Fairfax County Board of Supervisors decided to run for the Virginia Legislature.  This was about the time that our son was graduating college.  Coincidence?  Marcus, our son, ended up working for Jim as his legislative aide after Jim won the seat by ---yes wait for it – by – one (1) court certified vote!

Jim stayed in the legislature for 20 years. Marcus was his legislative aid for some of the early years and through the relationship joined the staff of Kate Hanley, who was by then Chairwoman of the Fairfax County Board of Supervisors.

Jim was always a man full of great ideas and great wisdom.  We worked together on many projects; but none so important in my view as his mentoring of Marcus.  Among the many things he taught was the wisdom of hard work.   In an era of dreamed-up short cuts to fame and fortune, Jim insisted on door knocking.  Working quietly and persistently with others to get eventually to where you wanted to be – or at least as close to it as practicable.

We have since basked in the glow of Jim and Marcus and others in the Virginia political arena with and through the grace and kindness of Jim Scott and his extended personal and political family.  

Jim was an angel in our life.
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Who are the angels in your life? 

             On our 49th wedding anniversary, Sunday, August 23rd, 2015 I will be performing The Actual Dance in New York at the Tree House Theater.  Susan will be in the Audience.  Please join us.

               As we move toward our 50th anniversary we have been confronting just how wonderful our lives are and have been.  We are thankful for so much love in our lives.  Our son, Marcus and our daughter Rachael have wonderful families of their own.  Our grandchildren live near us and already growing up to wonderful people.

               We are already getting Anniversary Cards.   The one I like so far asks: “What is the secret to a happy marriage?”  Then offers the answer of a man sitting with a sign that says “Communication” and the woman with a sign saying “Bathroom Fans.”   Then there is the one that says the secret is: “Yes, Dear.”

               I think there is also something called “B’shert” -- the idea of being meant or fated to be together.  If you have seen The Actual Dance  you know that “I believe in ghosts”  and that I have “experienced the super natural.”  Well Susan and I were, I think meant for each other.  I have blogged about this before. You can see more about “B’shert” here.  

               So as we enter this 50th year of our marriage, we are in awe of the moment.    We talk about it sometimes as a perfect moment in time. We were recently moved to commission a family portrait to  capture this moment. Lee’s Photography has done an amazing job.    So here is what a “perfect moment in time” for Susan and me looks like.   What does yours?

The idea of ghosts is for me tied to my belief, as articulated in the show, “that life exists in each of us in a tangible form beyond the physical body.”   It is also the idea that our individual lives are not singular, but rather an amalgamation of everything that has gone before us and everyone who we have “ever met, ever known, ever loved in our lives today.  Even the generations before us.”     The natural extension of that idea is the concept that we are creating the future of “the generations yet to come.”  What an awesome responsibility!

So what are ghosts?  My mind is open enough to believe that there exists elements of energy or life or of the divine that infuse our being and connect us with all living creatures present, past and future. The markers of the past can be what we learned from our parents and the DNA markers of our historical forefathers.  They can also be part of something else that we can’t see or measure but perhaps can sense at very unique times in our own lives.  

So today I think about my Dad and his family.   And my older sister Harriet.  They each played a role in creating me.  Their lives helped determine what I have become.  I believe that in “the unknowable and unseeable universe” their spirits will be there when it is my turn to join them. 

In the show, I describe it as “our kids, and our family, and our friends from now” and “generations from before use” and “maybe even generations yet to come” standing around the darkened walls of the metaphorical ballroom loving us as “each and every one of us” dance The Actual Dance.

             Our daughter-in-law, Rachel Goldstein Simon, lost her father, David Victor Goldstein, last week. We got to know David shortly after our son, Marcus Simon, met Rachel about 17 years ago.  Carol and David Goldstein quickly embraced our Marcus and became an integral part of our family ever since.  

Melding families when children get married can be a bit complicated, but not in this instance. First, because the “children” were in their late twenties and both living near us in Northern Virginia where Marcus grew-up.  The wedding was held here, and not in Flemington, New Jersey where Rachel grew up and her parents lived.  Second, Rachel and Marcus made their home near us in the community where he grew up.   So David and Carol would come into town often and always for family celebrations.  Of course once Emily and Zachary were born they were down even more often.

David has not been in the best of health the last couple of years, but he had been doing very well and his loss was sudden and unexpected.  We got the news in an email while in Brownsville, Texas (see my blog from last week) for the headstone unveiling for her brother-in-law.   Rushing back to be present for Rachel and our son and their children we experienced a new role in end-of-life ritual that I have called The Actual Dance.   I think there is a special place in the Ballroom for parents when their children Dance. 

We share in their sadness.  We want to hug and embrace them, especially Rachel and her Mom Carol to let them know how much we love them.   There is however also a special place inside us – Susan and I – and perhaps all parents who are similarly situated --- that percolates as we see our children so lovingly engage in this most difficult of transitions -- The Actual Dance.

We also experienced David’s loss differently because he was a contemporary.    Our vantage point as one of those “gathered around the darken walls of the Ballroom” during ritual is colored by the sense that we are looking through a window into the future – or maybe it is a mirror.   Is this going to be how it will be like when we are go? 

We love all of our children, their spouses and all our grandchildren.   We are blessed in so many ways.  We hurt when they hurt.  And yet even in our hurt we are comforted by their amazing strength and courage and ability to love.   

Marcus was asked to give the primary eulogy for his father-in-law.   You can read it here on Marcus’ Facebook page.  And Rachel has shared a wonderful poem called The Dash Poem, which she read at the Shiva service in their home.   Incredibly thoughtful moments both reflecting back on David and his life, and reminding everyone that what is important is not when we were born or when we die but what we do between those times, the time reflected by the “dash” on the headstone.

               We of course share the sadness and loss of someone we got to know and love.  Yet we stand in awe of a unique moment and a unique place in the Ballroom that we didn’t fully understand before.

 

               In just under a month at 69 ½ years old I will walk on stage at Studio Theater in the Theatre Row complex on 42nd Street and 9th Avenue, just off Broadway.   I will perform The Actual Dance, a play that I wrote and I perform.  I hope you can be there.  The official opening performance is 8 p.m. January 10th. A small reception will follow.  You can get your tickets here.  In appreciation please feel free to use the friends and family discount code (TRTADFF), it will take $10.00 of the ticket price.

                A most unlikely journey for me, yet a journey that has transformed my life.   I have been fortunate in my career and my personal life to be involved in some extraordinary projects with exceptional people.   First of all, I am trained as a lawyer, not an actor nor a playwright.   I started my career with Ralph Nader, still a friend and mentor in so many ways, in 1970 with a small group of lawyers to launch what was known then as The Public Interest Research Group.  I got to work with people like Ralph, Joan Claybrook,  Donald K Ross , Mark Green and Tom Stanton  and about 9 others back when we were just 20-something years old.  Ralph, now 80, was only 36. It was heady times.  I can remember when Tom Stanton and I stayed up all night writing and research so we could sue President Nixon the next morning!

                For nearly 45 years it has been an explosive life filled with opportunities and activities all aimed at “changing the world.”  In that time I have had the chance to meet Ted Turner and participate in CNN’s launch (Trivia question:  what was the first debate ever on CNN and who participated?  Answer: It was CNN’s first week and it was on the issue of the “fairness doctrine” and the guests were Sam Simon and Shaun Sheehan). What a hoot to be the one who introduced Ralph Nader and Ted Turner. And then there was the dream of bringing people together in Washington by forming a public affairs firm that operated on the theory that there can always be common ground between different interests.  Our job was to facilitate that common ground.  I worked in what one newspaper called “the messy middle.”   In that process we were able to broker deals that have survive even today. Just this week the Federal Communications Commission renewed and revamped a program that has brought billions and billions of dollars for technology to schools. A program that was launched only after a deal between interests was negotiated in our offices. 

                Along the way, our firm launched the first internet campaigns for corporations and non-profit groups.  Thanks to the talented staff lead by Ken Deutsch, by then Vice-President and youngsters like Kenita Earl, we put both Bell Atlantic (now Verizon) and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People``   (NAACP) on the Internet!

                My personal life journey has been equally exceptional.  I am blessed with a fabulous family.  I grew up in El Paso, Texas in the late 40’s early 50’s as a member of a very large family that squeaked by in life.  Somehow I went to law school and live a very comfortable life even in my “fourth age” in McLean, Virginia.   My son, Marcus Simon,  also a lawyer, was recently elected to the Virginia House of Delegates and my daughter, Rachael, is a partner in a thriving pediatric dental practice in Maryland.  They both live near us, each with two amazing children (our grandchildren).  I am not mentioning Susan, my wife of now of 48 years because she is the center of the story – the details of which require you to see The Actual Dance.

                Bragging?  Maybe, a little, more like feeling really fortunate.  At my age and comfort in life most people I think would say “Dayenu”  -- or that would be enough.  I offer these stories to paint a picture of just how big a shift this acting business is for me.  I have been interested in acting and theater. I did a little bit in high school and college, and beginning in 2001 I started training in improv through Artistic New Directions (AND) in New York.  With their generous encouragement I attended their summer Catskill retreats with teachers like Gary Austin, Kristine Niven, Jeffery Sweet, Michael Gellman and the amazing Carol Fox Prescott.   My work at the time was for personal development   I saw (and see) theater and improv in particular as highly valuable personal development tools.  Bring “yes and” into your daily life and see how the world will change for you. 

             Perhaps these early “ah ha!” moments from improv were precursors to the current journey.  The Actual Dance is auto-biographical.  It came out of encouragement from the acting teachers at AND to improvise a story, write it down and perform it.  

                The story that was in my head became the story of my heart.  Along the way of my incredible life story of doing things and thinking things there has been an unspoken part of feeling and believing.   Spiritual moments that I did not – or was afraid to – acknowledge.  In the retrospect of nearly 70 years, it feels to me like everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason.  The reason is to have written and perform and to being The Actual Dance to everyone who needs to see it

                 The show is the story of my heart and soul as I have had to engage in the existential moments of the people I love as they have faced their own mortality.  The impact of the expression and the art of the show – The Actual Dane -- has taken me by surprise.   It never occurred to me as I was writing it that when people see it performed -- I like to say “experience the show” -- they are transformed in their own lives.  Yet it happens over and over again.  

                Most recently after a performance in the Indianapolis Fringe Festival while standing outside between shows a man in his late 40’s or early 50’s and his wife walked up to me.  They said they had seem my show on the opening night and they wanted to thank me.  The husband said that “how I support my wife and how we relate to each other has been changed forever and I wanted to thank you.”  

                I now live for those moments. It is what I do and hope to do for as long as I can. After now over sixty performances I also am changed by each experience.    “I now know why my wife reacted to my cancer.”  “My entire family and I are able now to reframe our experience with our loss.  Thank you.”  Ways I cannot imagine and with love expressed so deeply the audiences for The Actual Dance give me an incredible gift.

                When asked today “what do you do” I no longer say I am a lawyer or a businessman or an advocate nor “retired.”   I say I am an actor and performer.  Who would have thought?!

                So, New York, come join me on this journey.   Take a chance that your life will be transformed and enjoy a night of theater just off Broadway this January.  Join us opening night or at any of week-end performances.   Then during our discussion, held after each show, tell me how your life is changed.  www.theatrerow.org