I never cease to be surprised by the surprises in my experience of Susan’s breast cancer journey. Those who have seen The Actual Dance, the play I have written and now perform about that experience know the ending. She survives and I keep listening for it to return.
“Even today 17 years later, I listen. I listen with my heart where my love sits for the ever so slight change in the universe that indicate a new and different orchestra has been called to form. . . . Is that them playing?”
It is true for me and I think many of the caregivers of cancer survivors that we are never really convinced that the journey is over. I still wonder if any ache or pain Susan may have at the moment isn’t really a return or metastasis of her breast cancer. While the intensity of my fear wanes slightly over time the expectation of the unexpected never goes away. So I should not have been surprised.
This Friday, however, the unexpected moment was different and of course totally unexpected. My mind wasn’t on Susan’s bout with advanced breast cancer in 2000/2001; rather on the fact that we needed to get a new car. The 16 year old Toyota 4Runner itself had been diagnosed with its own terminal illness. The mount parts beneath the engine were so eroded that any strong bump in the road could result in the engine falling out. We needed a new car, and yesterday was that day.
This Friday, however, the unexpected moment was different and of course totally unexpected. My mind wasn’t on Susan’s bout with advanced breast cancer in 2000/2001; rather on the fact that we needed to get a new car. The 16 year old Toyota 4Runner itself had been diagnosed with its own terminal illness. The mount parts beneath the engine were so eroded that any strong bump in the road could result in the engine falling out. We needed a new car, and yesterday was that day.
Susan and the old Toyota 4Runner as it is Traded In for a new care As we are driving into the dealer to drop off the old and pick up the new my mind is flooded with the memory – as if it were yesterday – of driving the then brand new 4Runner into our garage. As we are stepping out for the first time, I look at Susan and I look at this brand-new shiny SUV (basically a truck) and wonder: “Is this Susan’s last car? Who will survive longer, Susan or the car?”
Of course I don’t say that to her. And so yesterday, as we drove into the dealer, I remembered that moment. And my eyes for the briefest of moments teared up as I realized that I didn’t expect things to turn out this way.
I don’t know if anyone will ever be as happy as I was (and am) that the car needs to be replaced.
Of course I don’t say that to her. And so yesterday, as we drove into the dealer, I remembered that moment. And my eyes for the briefest of moments teared up as I realized that I didn’t expect things to turn out this way.
I don’t know if anyone will ever be as happy as I was (and am) that the car needs to be replaced.
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