The Actual Dance - a one-man play and story that explores what love really means
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Starting Over or Looking Back

9/26/2014

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           In the Jewish calendar, and I am Jewish, yesterday was the Jewish New Year.

           Welcome to 5775!  

            I find that each year I experience the “celebration” or the tradition differently.  Perhaps like everything in our lives we interact with the world based on what is happening inside us at the time.  How lucky we are that no moment is identical to any other one so no experience is ever exactly like the one before or the one after.   

            Perhaps because one of our Rabbis pointed out in his sermon that Rosh Hashanah is a celebration of the birthday of the world (though technically it occurs on the 6th day of creation, the day that Adam was created) that my own thinking this year turned to a reflection on starting over.  The idea of a “birth” and being “reborn” each year might sound Christian to some, yet it is the essence of the Jewish holy days.  We note the date and the start of another year AND we seek our own personal renewal.  The process completes at the end of Yom Kippur, the day of repentance.  It takes place throughout this period.   For example, on Rosh Hashanah we observe the ritual of Taschlich, symbolically tossing our sins of the past year into a body of water.  We at our Temple use pieces of bread to represent the sins.

            Again, repair the past, get ready for a new year.   We start over.  A clean slate, hopefully.  We work on our fresh start in a number of different ways.  We think about what we did, who we hurt, how we erred and we resolve to do better, not to repeat the sins.  We seek forgiveness first and foremost from those human beings we may have harmed in our misdeeds.   Then we seek forgiveness from our God.   It is all about starting over.  Moving ahead.  Being better, doing more and making a bigger difference in the world.   5775 is going to be a better year than 5774 because that is what we do, not because 5774 was particular bad but because we can always be new and different, and yes “better.”

            It occurred to me this year that The Actual Dance is also about renewal. About getting ready to or facing the need to start over.   The process of transcending the potential or actual loss of a loved one is in many ways akin to the rituals of the Jewish New Year – sometimes referred to as the Days of Awe.    Perhaps this is the best phrase to describe The Actual Dance process.  When else are we more in Awe of the miracle of the world than when it is about to end for someone we love.

            Last week in my blog I asked the question “Do you have a word for that moment?” -- the moment when "it" is over.   I described the process of “The Dance” as starting at the point of awareness that someone we love might die, to that point when something else happens to tell us that the Dance has “ended".   I said then and repeat that I do not know what word to use when the Dance is over.  

             This week though I think I have a word to describe the condition that exists at that point of time. “Starting over.”  Each loss of someone, especially the person you “love most in this world’, can be devastating and tragic.  The journey is to find the beauty, dignity and love not just in that moment but in the world to come, the next “year” or period of our lives. 

            Each such event or loss is also a beginning.  Living in the world in a new way.  Experiencing life without someone where they always used to be both physically and emotionally. While tautologically speaking it is a "true fact" that the world is changed once there is a change, the “starting over” is a cognitive act and willing step.  It is when we actually look forward, not back that we start over.   

            Today I was listening to a podcast “On Being” with Krista Tippett This is episode 147 about “pursuing happiness.”  It featured a conversation with a number of noted religious figures, including the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet.  I was taken though by a comment of Rabbi Jonatan Sacks, the former Chief Rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the British Commonwealth.   He pointed to the story of Jacob and the struggle with the angel (God) found in Genesis 32:22-32.  Rabbi Sacks noted that Jacob refused to let the angel with whom he struggled and fought leave without first blessing him.

            The point is that with each loss of the ones we love there are mighty struggles, our own wrestling match with angels.  And like Jacob, we can awaken to a new story of our lives.     It has been suggested to me that even though Susan survived her brush 14 years ago, that I am the one who struggled and only with finding the expression of writing and performing The Actual Dance did I really “start over” to create a the new story of my life.








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Do You Have A Word for That Moment?

9/19/2014

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               The “Actual Dance” is a metaphor for the ritual surrounding the loss of a loved one. It starts in that instant of realization that the one you love is facing a possible life ending situation, usually a disease.  The question that comes up over and over from those who see the show and as I talk about the show is “when does the Dance end.”

                This issue came up at an early performance.  I was at the Hudson Valley Health Alliance performing for their Memoir Project.   People were meeting to write their memoir about their experiences with cancer.  During our post-show discussion a woman spoke in very strong and adamant terms:  “My husband died nine months ago and you have to understand that the “dance” did NOT end with the death.  I am still Dancing.”

                Of course she is right.  The Actual Dance -- the ritual of the existential transition with someone you love – continues past the particular point of loss.  There is an arc to this process.  It begins perhaps with a jolt -- “the news.”  It continues down a slope or hill into the depths of fear of what that moment will feel like or be like, not just for yourself but also for the one you love.  Sometimes this is called anticipatory grief. Then the next phase begins, usually referred to as grief.  Grief is painful and yet it is a beginning, not an ending.  Unlike “anticipatory grief”, which is a hurtling toward a fearful moment, grief itself is a beginning toward an uncertain and painful future.   Will it ever end?  How does it end?

              The play, “The Actual Dance” does end at a particular moment.  It does so only because the particular story ends at that moment.   There is more to write.  There is another story – many stories in fact – that could be and are written.   Some of the most heartfelt comments I get about the show relate to the moments in the show where I wonder aloud about what it is going to be like “living alone.”    In these moments of wondering I am reflecting ‘anticipatory grief.’   There are those in the audience who then come up to me and say: “Yes, the hardest parts for me is the emptiness in the home on early Sunday mornings.”

                So part of the ritual of loss, the extended Dance if you will, involves the silence of an empty house or apartment where once there were two, and now only you.  There are other elements that are all expressions of pain and sadness.

                The question comes up then implicitly, if not explicitly, of when does the Dance end?    There is a fair amount of standard literature and advice around grief. (See here for a nice article about “when does grief end” by Fredda Wasserman).   There are stages of grief. There is advice on coping.   There is not, and what I do not have, is a word for the point when The Dance – the ritual part – ends.

                Indeed, for most people, the loss of a loved one changes everything.  (A line in the show: “everything, every thing, is now different.”)  Also I am not sure that the two things are the same.  “The End of the Dance” and the end of grieving.   I do believe there is an end to the Dance.  What I do not know is what word to give that point.   I have witnessed it.  One person gained a lot of weight after a particularly tragic loss, and a full decade later I saw the weight leave as part of an awakening of sorts in that person.  Yet another person found a new love and experienced ‘love’ in an entirely new and wondrous way.

            I shy away from labeling this moment because in part it is unique to each person.  Mainly though because I don’t know what that word would be.    

            Yet I am sure that over time somehow people return to a way of their own lives without the other.  There eventually is joy and happiness. There is an end to the Dance.  There is an end to the Music.  Perhaps a new normal with a new and different texture.   

                Do you have a word for that moment?

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The Actual  Dance Experience

9/12/2014

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            I have never had “The Experience” -- I can’t because I am figuratively (or perhaps literally) on the other side of the camera.  I never had the experience of being in the audience of my own show as a one-time theater goer.  What I have is the opportunity to hear from people about their experience and what the show has meant to them.   I have prepared a sheet with snippets of audience reactions.  You can see it here.
            Having performed the show about sixty times, I can still be surprised by what happens.  I want to offer two recent encounters with people who have seen the show.

            In August I performed at the Indianapolis Fringe Festival.  A fabulous theatrical extravaganza with over 340 performances of sixty unique shows.  On a Sunday afternoon I was mingling with others on “Mass Ave,” the street where most of the theaters were located, when a man and his wife walked up to me.

            We saw your show Thursday and I want to thank you,” the husband said. He then looked at his wife and they both turned and looked at me, and he finished:  “I want you to know that as a result of our experience how we relate to each other and support each other has been changed forever. Thank you.”

             I am always humbled and still surprised to hear these stories of "The Experience."  They sustain me in so many ways.

              Just a few weeks later I performed the show at Center Stage Theater  in Santa Barbara, California.  Deb Artz,  a member of the audience,  sent me an email a few days later saying that she wrote a poem the morning after the performance. What a lovely tribute to The Experience.   I asked and she agreed that I can share it with you. 
THE DANCE (Inspired by play The Actual Dance)
By Deb Artz

An empty ballroom.  The silence deafening.
The musicians assemble one by one
First the strings, then the woodwinds.
Even a piccolo. And clarinet add to the mix.
The foreboding sounds of an orchestra practicing.
My soul trembles.

Our partnership sealed in an intimate waltz.
Your touch.  Your reassuring face.  Your breath.
Only you know what no one else can.
Our union intricately woven in a dance so
Exquisite, tender and affirming.
The doctors say you are okay. 
I know differently.

You are so stoic. A rock throughout.
The tears trickle down my face.
A variation in a dance turned somber.
Losses relived throughout the years.
Nothing compares to this.
Never give up. Even now against all hope.
Together still.

An opening inside my heart transforms my fear
Even this dance can be beautiful.
Two spirits never really part.
The music is now my strength.
We dance again. 

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We Walk for Life

9/5/2014

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Picture
           Tomorrow morning Susan and I will start the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer here in Santa Barbara, California.  The walk is 39 miles in two days – a marathon and a half.    We will walk 26 miles on the first day and 13 miles the second day.   We raise money to support our walk which goes to the Avon Foundation to support research, screening and education on breast cancer.

       Susan’s diagnosis, surgery, chemo and radiation was 14 years ago spanning 2000 and 2001  Every year since then she has made this walk. Her walk tomorrow will be here 13th walk.  For the first ten years of this process I understood the walking to be something Susan did for herself and that for me to get involved would be a form of intrusion into her “thing.”   It was four years ago that she told me she had always wanted me to walk with her.  It surprised me, but who was I to say no.  And hey, it was just walking, who couldn’t do that!   So I signed up with Susan to do the Avon Walk in 2011 in Chicago.

                Whew.  I barley finished.  Despite having trained for months with Susan and her friends, I struggled each day.  At the end of the first day my calves and back were so sore I literally walked in to the “camp” and fell to my knees.  The staff come rushing towards me to see if I needed help.  They are trained to watch out for collapsing older men, I guess.    Susan waived them off and she and my daughter, who also walked with us, helped me up and walked me to the medical area for a little massage work.  

                The next day I started off strong again, but about 5 miles into the last 13 miles my hips were so sore I had to buy a cane and limp across the finish line.   I did finish!

                Last year we walked in New York and it was a different story. I am sure this week-end will be as well.  I am now more fit and about 60 pounds lighter than three years ago.

                What I learned through this experience and what I know now about these walks is that they are a vehicle for Susan to stay fit and well and to keep the breast cancer that sits latent in her body still.   For me, it keeps me light and fit and continue to be well, keeping whatever is latent in my body still as well.

                Research has confirmed that physical fitness and diet has a significant impact on survival rates for cancer patients.   Susan is living proof of that.

                The Actual Dance is about the journey through the darkest time into the light and hope of survival. The Avon Walks are about realizing that hope.   There has been some criticism of the so called “Pink” movement as diverting resources from basic research.   That view is short sighted and fails to recognize or acknowledge the impact these walks and races have in creating paths to survival.

                Our walk tomorrow is in a reality a walk for life – our lives.  Especially Susan’s life.   The Actual Dance ends with a question: How long will Susan survive her cancer?  The Avon Walk for Breast Cancer gives us a measuring stick – for as long as she walks she will survive.  

                We walk for life.  The life of all of those who have had or will have breast cancer and are made stronger and determined by each mile, each year.

                Next year we will walk in Washington, DC.  Join us.  Let us know if you want to be part of The Actual Dance Team.



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    Sam Simon

    Samuel A. Simon is the playwright and performer of The Actual Dance. 

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